Not enough people talk about what postpartum really is. Yes, there are "baby blues", but Postpartum Depression is a whole different type of animal. I waited my entire life for the day I would hold my son and then the day came to bring him home after having a traumatic birth.
I left the hospital not feeling as excited as I hoped I would. Instead I felt sad and scared. I felt alone, anxious, overwhelmed, depressed and cried when we got home. Over the weeks I felt more saddened than anything. Not about my beautiful baby but for myself. I fell into the role of being a mom and a mom only, I lost myself.
I would look in the mirror and see a blank empty face staring back at me. I felt exhausted, I would cry alone for no reason at all. Days would turn into weeks where I wasn't showering or taking care of myself. And the scariest part was I felt better not taking care of myself than trying to. It was easier to just be sad and depressed and hope it would pass than to try to fix the problem. I knew there was a problem, but I couldn't bring myself to getting help. I became so used to being depressed and constantly crying that the idea of feeling better and happy was daunting. It took me 8 months before I hit a breaking point when I finally realized I needed help and took action to get it. I didn't get help for anyone else, I did it for myself.